Love Lost

It was three years ago almost to the minute that I lost my precious, sweet Tommy. He had grown too ill to remain in his body, and I had to make the wrenching decision to let him go. I remember the ride to the vet when I kept telling him it would be okay, he wouldn't have to hurt anymore, he would soon be free. I remember the light going out of his eyes. I remember the gnawing, unforgiving, nearly all-consuming pain that gripped me for days afterward. I remember sitting out by his grave the next day, watching the sun rise and wondering how life could go on when my heart was shattering. I remember crying and crying and crying and thinking I'd never be able to stop.

Eventually, the constant tears abated, but the heartache remains, even three years later. I miss you, little Piglet. Thank you for your love and for the laughter you gave me. I know you're one of the brightest stars in the heavens because you were such a brilliant light on earth.

Goodbye, My Friend

(written by Karla Bonoff 1988)

Oh we never know where life will take us

I know it's just a ride on the wheel

And we never know when death will shake us

And we wonder how it will feel

So goodbye my friend

I know I'll never see you again

But the time together through all the years

Will take away these tears

It's okay now

Goodbye my friend

I've seen a lot things that make me crazy

And I guess I held on to you

We could've run away and left well maybe

But it wasn't time and we both knew

So goodbye my friend

I know I'll never see you again

But the love you gave me through all the years

Will take away these tears

I'm okay now

Goodbye my friend

Life's so fragile and love's so pure

We can't hold on but we try

We watch how quickly it disappears

And we never know why

But I'm okay now

Goodbye my friend

You can go now

Goodbye my friend

Oh No She Did'int

I called my boss a "stupid Alzheimer's-ridden bitch" today.

Granted, it was in an email to my husband but still...when you start referring to your boss in such glowing terms, it's well past time to move on.

I get a daily horoscope emailed to me, and for the past two days, this is what the Career section has said: You've got a bone to pick with a higher-up, but this just isn't the right time to pick it. Sit quietly and bide your time. Give it two weeks.

I hope that means I'll have found a new - and better - job in two weeks. [Aside from the whole panic about not having a paycheck, I don't even think I'd mind if I got fired. Not on an emotional level, anyway. The practical level - having bills to pay - is another story, however.] Or that we'll win the lottery within two weeks. Or that SHE'LL get another job within two weeks.

Naww, I'd rather *I* get a better job. Leave these people in the dust and never look back. I'm tired of that place and pretty much everything in it. I feel hypocritical every second I'm there. If I could out and out say, "I don't like you people so just leave me be, and it'll make things so much easier," that would be fine. But I can't. So I have to smile and to pretend I like them, when all the while I'd rather be having a root canal. THAT is a lot less painful than having to play make-believe every day.

A week or so ago, my husband said, "That job is crushing your soul."

No truer words have been spoken.

Turn and Face the Strange

Autumn, it seems, will be a time of changes.

After living on her own for over two years, Mom will be moving in with us, probably next month. She receives Social Security and wages from a cleaning job, but she's unable to make ends meet, and the logical conclusion was for her to come live with us. She'll basically be inhabiting the lower level of the house, and she's already fearful of being "in our way." Hopefully she'll settle in and settle down without too much anxiety.

She's currently enmeshed in trying to sell her property. She's never liked the old house where we lived and once Dad died, she was eager to sell and move to a place built within the last century. The asshole developers who signed a purchase agreement to buy the property are basically giving her the run-around and have held things up since 2006.

When the idea of selling the land first came up, I had a hard time with it. The old house and surrounding farmland have been in my family for decades, and there are memories and ghosts wrapped up in that soil. I don't do well with goodbyes, but I was able to put my grieving on the back burner when the sale stalled and Mom continued to live there.

But now that she's going to live here, the house will be abandoned, and that makes me incredibly sad. Having to say goodbye is a closer reality now, a chill upon my soul, the start of a hole that will eventually burrow completely through my heart.

I went back to the house on Sunday, and I felt the grief welling as I made my way up the driveway. Moving around inside felt familiar yet strange - it was home but it wasn't.

There's an ancient oak in the backyard - a guardian who witnessed and blessed my wedding, as my husband-to-be and I stood beneath its spreading limbs and pledged our devotion to each other. It nearly died quite some time ago but it came back, gnarled and scarred but still full of life. Once the land belongs to someone else, I'm sure that old friend will be destroyed, and it breaks my heart. On Sunday, I stood with my hand against its thick bark and cried for the grief I feel now and for the grief to come.

I wish we would win the lottery so I could pay Mom for the land and keep it intact - perhaps create a park named for my father so the legacy of my part of the family line would live on, even after I'm gone.

Tears fall like the leaves. I know the Wheel will turn and things will change, transform, pupate from caterpillar to butterfly. I know this to be true, but for right now, I don't have to like it.

What the World Needs Now

According to the song "What the World Needs Now" which was written in 1965, the thing the world needs is "love, sweet love."

I disagree.

What the world needs now is a swift and virulent pandemic.

I believe that many of the troubles in the world are being caused by the gross overpopulation of the planet. In short, there are way too many freakin' people around.

Consider: As the population rises, more and more land is gobbled up for use in building houses, mini-malls, new roads, and Starbucks franchises. Land being used for these purposes is no longer available for crop planting or livestock raising, which means that less food is produced. So the number of people needing to be fed increases while the amount of arable land decreases. Anyone else see the problem here?

And obviously, more people means more consumption of disposable items, which increases the pollution problems that are also killing the planet and will, in turn, kill its inhabitants. Just not quickly enough.

People are not meant to breed like prey animals. Women should not be lauded and given a badge of honor for having litters of children. There's a reason rodents have lots of babies at one time - it's called predation. If a mouse has twenty mouselings, there's a good chance that perhaps a quarter of them will survive to create more mouselings. Aside from other humans, Mankind has no natural enemy. There are no dragons or dinosaurs around to prey on us, and modern medicine has improved to the point where most babies survive to adulthood. I could understand the reasoning in the old days of having twelve children - some of them would die young and you needed a flock of children to help run the farm because you didn't have machinery for plowing and harvesting. We're not living in "the old days" any longer. Stop with having so many damned kids. [I blame some of this on the Catholic church who says it's a sin to use birth control. Ummm, isn't your God powerful enough to make a pill or condom fail, if it's truly His will that you should be fruitful and multiply?]

Adding to the population overload is that fact that more and more people live longer these days. There are marvels of science and medicine to keep people from succumbing to the plague. So not only are scores of new people arriving, we're not losing people quickly enough to balance things out. There was a great definition of death on the old "Dave's World" TV show. Dave's young son wanted to know why people had to die, and Dave told him, "Life is like a merry-go-round. Some people have to get off so other people can get on." In today's world, people aren't exiting the merry-go-round at a fast pace, and there's no room for the newcomers.

I'm sure some people might think, "Oh sure, you're all for a global pandemic as long as it doesn't affect people YOU love." And if they think that, they'd be - pardon the pun - dead wrong. While it would be optimal if a plague only wiped out the morons and evildoers among us, I would still welcome it, even if it took people I care about, even myself. We are dying slowly right now, choking off our supplies of clean air and clean water. I'd much prefer a swift death to one brought about by starvation, suffocation, or dehydration.

Eventually, there will be a mass extinction. The Earth's history bears proof of several former extinctions, and there's no reason to think there won't be another, especially at the rate we're destroying the planet.

I say, bring it on. Leave the place to the non-human animals. I'm sure they'll treat their environment better than the homo sapiens have.