Another Brick in the Wall

While I realize that cogs play an important role in the working of a piece of machinery, I'm tired of being a cog.

For the past 20 years, I've been a quiet person with a quiet job leading a quiet life, and it's just not enough for me anymore. I want to BE somebody, ya know? I want to impact the world in such a bright way that for years and years, people will recall my name. I don't want to be famous (or infamous); I just want to be remembered for doing good.

I don't want to do good with the explicit purpose of being remembered, because that sounds like it's all for the wrong reasons - like when celebs do something charitable while making sure the cameras are rolling. It would just be neat to be such a wonderful example of do-goodery that people would say, "We're really glad she was around to do what she did." I guess that sounds egotistical in a way, which is unfortunate because that's not how I'm meaning to come across. Charitable works would be their own reward for me, and it would be a true gift to know I made someone's life easier, maybe even inspired him/her to turn around and do something good for someone else.

Don't get me wrong. I don't find fault with leading a solid life. Cog-like people form the backbone of society; without them, this machine called Life would grind to a creaky halt, and I am grateful to the folks who perform their duties day in and day out. I just don't want this for myself anymore, after so many years.

I have no delusions that I'll become the next Shakespeare or Gandhi or Mother Theresa. But, to paraphrase the words of Mufasa from The Lion King, I want to be more than what I've become. I know there is so much more inside of me, so much I'm capable of doing for the good of the planet. I nearly feel like I'll burst sometimes with the want of making a difference.

But, like so much in my life right now, the question boils down to "How?" How do I make an impact? What do I do, what direction do I take? How best do I use my skills and my passions to make my dreams a reality? How do I turn this flame inside me into a roaring fire that consumes me and drives me forward to do what I'm meant to do?

I fall victim to the erroneous thought that a simple act can make no difference. It's always "all or nothing" for me - I have to save the entire world; otherwise, why bother? It's ridiculously short-sighted, I know, but it seems to be how I'm wired, and I need to retrain my psyche to think differently.

I'm currently reading a book called Me to We, and it's turned me on my head. You know you're in trouble when you're only on page 14 and already you're reading the story of Kim Phuc, who's most famously known as the "Girl in the Picture" - Vietnamese child, running screaming toward the camera, naked, her clothes burned off by napalm, her skin starting to fall off in black and pink chunks. Ye gods, how can you read this and not want to do Something? How can you not be changed by it?

The book is filled with stories of regular people doing simple acts that have swelled into wondrously wide-spread kindness. I haven't yet been able to get it through my skull that hey, if these folks can do it, why not me?



(And although I'm not a fan of Pink Floyd, considering I used one of their song titles as my post title, I have to ask: How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?)