Stars Shining Bright Above You

I'm currently halfway through Martha Beck's latest book, Steering by Starlight. It's about rediscovering your Purpose in Life. According to Martha (and I have to say that I agree with her), we Know what our Purpose is early in life...but then we grow up and the pressures and responsibilities of the real world come along, burying us and our Purpose. We drag ourselves to work every day, making widgets so we can afford to pay the rent, but we really want to be an artist or a dancer or a theoretical physicist. The mundane needs eclipse those of our soul, and we grow further and further distanced from our true selves.

I have felt this way for quite some time, slogging through various books (Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher and Now What? by Laura Berman Fortgang have given me a wealth of knowledge) in the hopes that something will create a spark and help me rediscover who I'm really meant to be.

Memorial Day week, I was on vacation. Sunday came and with it, the knowledge that I had to return to work the next morning. It didn't surprise me that I had insomnia that night, nor did it surprise me that I was quite angry Monday morning after getting to work. Angry that everyone but me can come and go as they please. Angry that some of my co-workers are exempt, don't work 40 hours most weeks, yet get paid for 40 hours. Angry that the administration there isn't very proactive. I was indeed the Grumple who stole Christmas. Grumpitty, grumpitty, grue, indeed.

Tuesday morning, I was alone at work, so I was able to read a couple chapters of Starlight. Martha was talking about how people create their own prisons with their thoughts and beliefs. "I can't leave this job or I'll be a failure." "I can't leave my abusive wife because no one else will want me and I have to stay for the kids' sake." "I can't become a sculptor because I won't be any good and I'll starve to death because no one will buy my creations." We convince ourselves that we've already failed, even though we haven't even tried. We keep ourselves in our cozy little ruts - even if the ruts are awful, they're familiar. We convince ourselves that we're trapped, never noticing that the cell door is wide open.

I sat and pondered what I read and I swear to you, I had an epiphany. I could almost literally feel my mind expanding, feel new lobes popping up all over my brain. It was a weird but wonderful experience.

I thought about my attitude toward my job, thought about all the negative stuff I was stewing in...and I just let it go.

Instantly, I felt so much lighter - mentally, physically, and spiritually. Like this Atlas-ian weight had just fallen from my shoulders and my soul. I felt free.

Don't misunderstand. I still have issues with this job and letting go of stuff didn't make me into a Pollyanna. But for now, I'm not festering and being toxically negative and constantly complaining. I still want to follow my bliss, there's no mistaking that, but I don't feel like I'm dying each day I go to my current job.

Moments after I had that revelation, I had an urge to walk through the building. As I was moving down a hallway, I noticed a wild turkey right outside the window. She's been around before, but I'd never seen her before Tuesday. In Native American tradition, Turkey's medicine is "Give Away." This relates more to giving away material possessions, but I also take it to speak to giving away emotional/mental stuff that doesn't serve you any longer. I thought it was totally fitting that I saw her after I "gave away" a lot of my mind clutter. Seeing her felt like a celestial pat on the back, like the Universe was saying, "You chose wisely, you're on the right path."

So. Onward and upward. I'm finding that it's a lot easier to fly when you remove the self-created shackles that are binding your wings.