My Name is Jill...and I'm a Scanner

For those of you who haven't read Barbara Sher's book "Refuse to Choose," a Scanner is a person who wants to nibble daintily from that box of chocolates called Life - first, half of a caramel, then the corner of a nougat - rather than ramming her head inside and wolfing down the entire lot. [People with THAT predilection are called Divers.]

I'm glad to realize that there's an actual NAME for this type of trait. I thought I had A.D.D. because I would get just so far into a particular topic/hobby...and then I'd completely lose interest and want to move onto something else...which I would also lose interest in at some point...and the cycle would continue. I didn't (still don't) have stick-to-it-iveness, and I thought there was something wrong with me. Thank the Maker for Barbara's book! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

But putting a name to my condition doesn't solve the inherent challenges of being a Scanner. Being as the gods haven't seen their way clear to giving my husband and I winning lottery numbers, I have to work for a living, much of which requires doing the same damned thing every single damned day. For a Scanner, this is soooo not cool.

Recently, I've been having an internal struggle about things. I find my current job obscenely boring, and this drains me to the point where I have no energy left once I get home. Being exhausted doesn't make me want to do anything fun - stuff that might recharge my batteries. It's a vicious circle - I'm exhausted from work, which keeps me from doing something I would enjoy, which keeps me from recharging my spirit, which keeps me exhausted.

I feared that I was simply lazy, and that was the reason I did nothing while I was at home. It's a relief to think that perhaps my inactivity springs from my exhaustion, not from being lazy. If I thought I were lying to myself about this, today was a good witness for the defense. Before I went to work, I had all kinds of energy, thinking, "When I get home, I'll work out in the yard and clean off the table and write out bills, etc., etc." Once I got home, I went right for a chair and the TV. Coincidence? I think not.

This, of course, dovetails into the whole "What is my passion in life?" conundrum. If I found my passion and was able to do it for a living, would it help? Or would I just get bored with it in a couple years and have to move onto something else? And would that really be so bad? As a Virgo, I like stability and security, and the thought of changing jobs every few years makes me itch.

It's very confusing, makes me feel like a snake who's swallowed her own tail.