My Name is Jill...and I'm a Scanner

For those of you who haven't read Barbara Sher's book "Refuse to Choose," a Scanner is a person who wants to nibble daintily from that box of chocolates called Life - first, half of a caramel, then the corner of a nougat - rather than ramming her head inside and wolfing down the entire lot. [People with THAT predilection are called Divers.]

I'm glad to realize that there's an actual NAME for this type of trait. I thought I had A.D.D. because I would get just so far into a particular topic/hobby...and then I'd completely lose interest and want to move onto something else...which I would also lose interest in at some point...and the cycle would continue. I didn't (still don't) have stick-to-it-iveness, and I thought there was something wrong with me. Thank the Maker for Barbara's book! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

But putting a name to my condition doesn't solve the inherent challenges of being a Scanner. Being as the gods haven't seen their way clear to giving my husband and I winning lottery numbers, I have to work for a living, much of which requires doing the same damned thing every single damned day. For a Scanner, this is soooo not cool.

Recently, I've been having an internal struggle about things. I find my current job obscenely boring, and this drains me to the point where I have no energy left once I get home. Being exhausted doesn't make me want to do anything fun - stuff that might recharge my batteries. It's a vicious circle - I'm exhausted from work, which keeps me from doing something I would enjoy, which keeps me from recharging my spirit, which keeps me exhausted.

I feared that I was simply lazy, and that was the reason I did nothing while I was at home. It's a relief to think that perhaps my inactivity springs from my exhaustion, not from being lazy. If I thought I were lying to myself about this, today was a good witness for the defense. Before I went to work, I had all kinds of energy, thinking, "When I get home, I'll work out in the yard and clean off the table and write out bills, etc., etc." Once I got home, I went right for a chair and the TV. Coincidence? I think not.

This, of course, dovetails into the whole "What is my passion in life?" conundrum. If I found my passion and was able to do it for a living, would it help? Or would I just get bored with it in a couple years and have to move onto something else? And would that really be so bad? As a Virgo, I like stability and security, and the thought of changing jobs every few years makes me itch.

It's very confusing, makes me feel like a snake who's swallowed her own tail.

You Know You're Getting Older...and Other Stuff

Comedian Louie Anderson said "You know you're getting older when the first thing you do after eating [Thanksgiving dinner] is look for a place to lay down."

For me, I know I'm getting older when I get excited about the delivery of a new washing machine, an event which occurred last Friday. [Although I guess I don't feel too badly because the delivery guy said that people are the most thrilled when he drops a washer or dryer on their doorstep.] Honestly though, it was like being a kid and getting an Easy-Bake Oven for Christmas.

Speaking of Easy-Bake Ovens...there was an incident a few months ago where a kid got burned because she stuck her hand into the baking chamber. Okay, if a kid is stupid enough to do this and the parents were too busy/lazy/moronic to actually tell their child it's a bad idea to stick your hand into the baking chamber...I can't say that I feel much sympathy. Sounds cruel, I suppose, but people these days are too fond of not taking personal responsibility for their idiocy. I'm sure someone got sued over this case. If I had been the judge, I would've thrown it out immediately and made the parents pay for any incurred legal fees.

Because, gee, I had an Easy-Bake Oven as a child and the only thing it gave me were delicious little dessert treats, not second-degree burns. Then again, I wasn't dopey enough to think it would be a good idea to shove my hand inside either. Are children getting dumber or was I just an exceptionally intelligent child?

Dust in the Wind

Driving home, I heard Kansas' "Dust in the Wind." The DJ made a comment that he felt the song was depressing.

I beg to differ.

The line "Don't hang on/Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky" is actually quite comforting, if you think about it. Granted, if you frame your reference to that line in "Oh gods, I'm going to die one day," well, yeah, that might be a downer. But for me, that line is soothing because it tells me that NOTHING - good or bad - lasts forever. Things are going bad and it sucks but hey, it won't last forever, so chin up, things will get better.

I highly doubt that was Kansas' thought when writing that song and that particular line, but that's how I perceive it.

Eight Belles

Rest in peace, sweet filly.

Thank you for running such a gallant race against the boys.

I hope wherever you are now, you're racing through sun-dappled meadows without a care in the world, running for the sheer joy of it.

Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again.

One Moment in Time

I was lying awake in bed yesterday morning, not thinking about anything in particular, and something wonderfully peculiar happened.

Surrounded by the lazy cats on all sides with my husband sleeping beside me, I had a shining moment of contentment. It didn't last long, streaking through my consciousness like a shooting star in the night, but it was glorious. No worry, no fear, no wondering about this or that. Just...peace and warmth.

Pretty cool.

Neon Sign

So I went to this website that I had bookmarked quite a while back but hadn't visited in a long time: www.wisdomology.com.

They have a featured question section (I would imagine the question changes daily), and I clicked on it.

The question of the day was "What is your passion in life?"

Apparently this is something to which I'm supposed to give some thought.

Follow Your Bliss

That phrase, spoken by the wonderful Joseph Campbell, has come to haunt me in the past few years.

What is my bliss? Should I be alarmed that the answer doesn't come to me as easily and quickly as the snap of my fingers? Why doesn't it come easily to me? What is it about being an adult that completely destroys one's sense of freedom and ease and fluidity of thought?

When you're a kid, you can be anything and do anything, and there's never an internal voice that pours icy water over those dreams. You make up stories on the fly without even thinking about how silly they seem - they just come out, and it's okay.

I think of what my bliss career-wise would be, and it's always the same: "I would like to do this BUT..." "I would like to do that BUT..." There's always an addendum, a caveat, a wet-floor sign.

A few months ago, it came to me that I'd like to become a wildlife educator. I'm quite passionate about animals, and I know that the best way to protect animals is to educate people - kids and adults alike - so they'll gain a respect for Nature and, hopefully, want to protect it. Okay, this is good, got a plan, here we go.

I looked into a home-study Conservation program. It wasn't unreasonably expensive and, although it probably wouldn't allow me to jump right into a career, it would be a good base for further education and would at least get me going in the right direction. Not soon after I got this information, one of our cats needed some medical care that was expensive...then our old furnace died right in the middle of winter...then my husband's car required repairs that weren't cheap.

So much for outlaying any money for school.

My current job is boring me to tears, and has for quite some time, so I told myself that once the pastor got back from his five-month sabbatical in May, I'd start actively looking for a new job. The day after Easter, I found out my husband is going to be laid off within the next 12 months, so I almost don't dare trying to jump jobs.

Rather than acting the victim, I'm curious to know why the Universe is guiding me toward a different path than the one I was trying to choose.