Chaos Take Me

I have a recurring dream that features tornadoes. Eventually, I came to the realization that I usually have these dreams when my life is stressful, so I've taken to calling them my chaos dreams.

The setting is always my childhood home - I'm sure there's a deep psychological reason for that, I just haven't quite put a finger on it yet. Typically, the tornado(es) pass by the house or I wake up just before they hit the house. Not so on Thursday night.

In the dream, I was standing in the doorway between the living room and kitchen. My mom was sitting in a chair at the kitchen table and my (deceased) father was in his easy chair, which was tucked away in the corner of the kitchen. There was no panic. A bit of apprehension, but no outright fear. The tornado passed over the north portion of the house. I could feel the pressure inside the house changing, and I felt like I was being sucked upward but I managed to keep my feet on the floor. I kept chanting, "Keep it together, keep it together," as though I were imploring the house to stay in one piece. The tornado moved west and did some damage to one of the sheds on the property, and then I woke up.

It's no surprise that this dream was visited upon me right now. My life feels quite out of control at the moment. My job is going to hell (which is probably ironic, considering I work for a church); the plumbing in our house has been screwed up for over a month so we haven't been able to take a shower or a bath, and standing in the tub pouring a bucket of water over yourself doesn't quite cut it; money has gotten tight, which makes me nervous; and there's always the low-level concern I feel about the state of the world.

Hopefully soon, our plumbing will be fixed (plumber's coming out Monday); I'll get a job I enjoy; we'll win the lottery (which would preclude the whole job thing completely); and a new president will be able to create some semblance of sanity from the wreckage left by the Bush administration.

Breaking Point

I believe I have reached mine.

We haven't been able to use our upstairs bathroom for about a month because all three water-consuming facilities (toilet, tub, and sink) are leaking. Hopefully we'll have some resolution (in the form of gods-awful expensive repairs) by the end of the month.

The downstairs shower is leaking so we can't use that. If you read my husband's blog, you'll know why we can't use the downstairs tub, whose repair hinges on a type of faucet that they apparently don't even make anymore.

Due to the downstairs tub issue, we've had to rip up part of the carpeting because it started to stink like a wet, dead dog, and I'm going to assume we'll have mold growing inside the wall under which the water seeped.

Something so stupidly infuriating happened at work that I was ready to quit on the spot and am now entrenched in the hunt for a new job.

I might need an MRI for an ongoing back problem.

We took our cat Oliver to the vet today, and he has gum/tooth problems that will require (expensive) teeth cleaning and perhaps tooth extraction. This is stressful to me in a multitude of ways.

Add to that the troubles of the world which I can't totally block out, and I'm ready to curl up in the corner and cry until I'm exhausted.

While the logical part of me realizes that none of these are "end of the world" scenarios, the emotional part of me is fed up and wants to pitch a holy fit complete with insane crying jag.

Bridges Shouldn't Fall Down

When the clock reads 6:05 p.m. today, it will mark the one-year anniversary of the collapse of the I-35W bridge.

Blessings of comfort to those who lost loved ones in the disaster.

Blessings of peace to those who survived but who are still suffering emotional or physical trauma.

Blessings of gratitude to the first responders - police, fire fighters, medical crews, and "regular" people who did what they could to help. Peace to them as well, for whatever post-trauma battles they may still fight in their dreams.

Blessings of healing to my native state.

Let There Be Peace on Earth...

...and let it begin with me.

Sy Miller and Bill Jackson wrote the song "Let There Be Peace on Earth" back in 1955. It has since snuck into hymnals - at least it has in the church where I work. It's a nice thought, isn't it? A world with no war, no violence. A brotherhood of man, as John Lennon sang in "Imagine."

It'll never happen.

We can't even stop people with 11 items from going through the "10 Items or Less" checkout lanes at the grocery store. Yet we hope that someday, people will join hands across the globe and base their lives on some sort of universal "Be Kind - Rewind!" mantra? Come again?

I don't have much hope regarding the greater good of Mankind. I guess that sounds pessimistic but personally, I think I'm being realistic.

There are pockets of exceptions, but overall, humans are hard-wired for survival at all costs, and as the gap between the Haves and the Have-Nots gets wider, the Have-Nots respond by losing their interest in keeping the peace. When resources are in short supply, the Haves tend to tighten their grip and hoard their treasure like Smaug the dragon. Let the doubloons corrode into dust and the great stores of wheat rot, but they'll be damned if they're going to share.

If your neighbor has the last loaf of bread in the village, he's probably not going to be willing to share any of it with you because he's concerned about keeping himself alive. Driven by hunger and survival instinct, you may very well mosey over to his hut, bonk him on the head with a club, and take the bread for yourself. If he had split the loaf in half and given you a share, two people could've lived half as long. If he kept it all for himself, one person would live twice as long. Which of those scenarios is better?

We might think ourselves above such survival-based narcissism but until we're truly in that sort of predicament, can we really say without a doubt's shadow that we wouldn't act like a baser animal, intent only on living for another day, kindness and social protocol be damned? I would like to think that I'd share my resources. I would also like to think that I wouldn't commit violence to obtain the resources of someone else. BUT I've never been put into the precarious business of clinging to life by the very tips of my fingernails. How do I KNOW what my reaction would be?

Let's face it. Even if we consider ourselves good people, we still have our moments where we want to smack the mother-lovin' bejeezus out of the person who cut us off in traffic or the rotten kid throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the store. We nearly get an orgasmic rush as we imagine the thick palm of our hand connecting solidly with the back of some jerk's bony head. It's a luscious sensation, isn't it?

But, being civilized people, we sublimate those feelings and go about our lives in a mostly non-violent manner. We don't act on our emotions. We may mutter blackly under our breath about unfit parents and mandatory birth control or, in the case of the snotwad driver, scream at the top of our lungs...but that's as far as it goes. We don't run the driver off the road or body slam the shrieking child. Granted, problems can arise when we never allow ourselves to let off steam in an appropriate way. Note the sexual abuse of children by priests - they're forced to stuff their natural sexual urges and it oozes out in unacceptable ways.

Too, if you think about having total peace on earth, "all good" isn't really much better than "some bad." There's no contrast, no friction. If it's sunny 365 days a year, you don't fully appreciate a sunny day. Let it rain for a couple weeks and then see how you feel when the sun comes out again. There's no such thing as "light" if you don't have "dark" to create a comparison. Death is necessary for Life to continue. As in all things, balance is essential.

Does that mean I like when bad things happen to good people? Of course not. I'm not a sadistic nut who gets off on other people's pain. I still grieve when I see a dead animal alongside the road. I still mourn the state of the world when I read about a 90-year-old woman who gets stabbed in her apartment by a creep who wants to rob her or about an 11-year-old boy whose life is cut short after he's hit by a drunk driver. I still ask "Why?" when a bridge collapses into the muddy waters of the Mississippi, killing and injuring people who wanted nothing more than to go about their evening's business.

While I don't foresee peace on earth, I WOULD like to see people dial it back a bit. Let's do our best to get rid of extreme violence - murders, rapes, torture, war. I think a few slap fights, a screaming match every now and then, and perhaps some vulgar hand gestures and a hard-fought game of Candyland would be enough to maintain the balance between Good and Not-Good.

It wouldn't be universal harmony, but I think it'd beat what we got going on now.

45 Years

I've wanted to write about this topic for some time now but when I think about it, I get so angry that my brain implodes, which makes forming complete and coherent sentences impossible. I'm still angry, but I think it's well past time for this post.

The price of gas has become a thorn in the sides of many people over the past few months. As the cost per gallon rises ever higher, we hear cries of "Produce more oil! I don't want to drive slower and consolidate errands and reduce my consumption! Start drilling in the Alaska Wildlife Refuge!"

To the people who make these outbursts, I respond with the following: You are idiots.

Why do you think it's called "fossil fuel"? Perhaps because it was created millions of years ago? It's a NON-RENEWABLE energy source, you short-sighted morons. In case those words are too big for you to understand, I'll dumb it down so your reptilian brain can grasp the point: When it is gone, it is gone. Poof. Bye-bye.

What good will it do to continue drilling for oil when we're using it faster than the planet can replace it? But that's what most people will say, that's what their solution will be - find more oil deposits and suck them dry. That'll fix the problem, right?

An optimistic estimate [note the word optimistic] states that at the current rate of consumption (and we all know the current rate will rise), we will exhaust the resources of oil left in the ground in about 45 years.

45 years.

That's it.

Less than a lifetime for people who will be born in the next few years.

Why worry though, right? I mean, most of us will already be dead by the time this happens, so who cares? We'll get ours. Why concern ourselves with discovering RENEWABLE energy sources, which will neither run out nor pollute the planet further? Why bother conserving energy while working to perfect solar power or fuel cells or hydrogen engines? That seems like way too much work. Let's just drain the rest of the Earth's blood and let our children worry about the future.

Bluntly put, I am appalled and disgusted by the human race.

Freaky Friday

Submitted for your approval...

On Thursday, I wrote about the Law of Attraction.

Yesterday (Friday), we were getting bad weather so I was flipping around the local channels to see if anyone were breaking into programming to give an update. Oprah was on the CBS affiliate, and the topic of her show was...the Law of Attraction. With Martha Beck, who I've written about recently. At one point, another of the guests, Louise Hay, said "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"...which was the name of my post from Thursday.

Yesterday (Friday), we received our latest issue of Consumer Reports in the mail. They were comparing small SUV's. On the lead page of the article was...a green Subaru Forester, which I had also mentioned in my Thursday post.

Before the mail came, I was looking online at different cars, thinking perhaps we'd be able to replace my husband's failing car with a lower-priced Toyota or Honda. I checked heavily into the Honda Fit Sport. In another section of Consumer Reports, they did a short article on the SmartCar and gave it a horrific review. Instead of getting a SmartCar, they suggested instead that you buy...a Honda Fit.

Today, hubby and I went to Menards (a home improvement store) to pick up supplies for a repair job. On the front window, there was a placard announcing a sweepstakes to win...a Subaru Forester (and they showed a green one). I wanted to enter but you had to have a Menards' credit card, which we don't have. I'm tempted to get one simply to register for the car.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear

I've noticed a sudden upsurge around me of the ideas espoused in the book, The Secret. I haven't read the book myself but from what I understand, it talks about bringing things to you through the power of intention and visualization and good thoughts.

My best friend and her husband have recently written blog posts about this phenomenon, and my mother - who has been trying to sell her property for three years - said the other day that she'd heard a radio program about writing down what you want to manifest in your life, so she put pen to paper and wrote out specifics of what she wants in a land sale.

Being a fairly analytical person by nature, I decided to allow myself time to ponder this topic, and I found that I'm on the fence about it.

I'm not sure that I can totally buy into the idea of "If you can believe it, you can achieve it." At least not in the way most people probably interpret it, e.g. "I can have anything I want as long as I believe in it hard enough and keep a positive attitude about it." That thinkin' and hopin' and wishin' and prayin' will draw your heart's desires to you.

For example, I'd like to win the lottery. I've even stated (and my husband agrees with this, which precludes the necessity of bopping him on the head and absconding with a winning ticket) that if I won a ton o' money, I'd give most of it away to reputable charities. Neither hubby nor I are extravagant people, and that wouldn't change simply because we suddenly had the wherewithall to BE extravagant. We would get new cars (sensible sedans or small SUVs, not $60,000 pieces of vehicular eye candy), pay off our mortgage, pay off my mom's loan and buy her a new house, repay a loan given to us by my parents-in-law, bestow gifts upon family and friends. That's really about it. No mansions in Monte Carlo, no outrageous bling, no gold-plated toilets. Just simple comforts and donations to charity.

I have the best of intentions and yes, we buy a ticket each week. (This isn't like the joke where a guy curses God every week when he doesn't win the lottery, until God finally says, "Dude, meet me halfway and buy a ticket, already.") So how come our numbers don't come up? My intentions always include the caveat, "As it harm none" but I can't see how our winning the lottery would harm anyone. I'm not prescient enough to know everything that might happen. Maybe having $150 million would eventually cause harm to come to me, mine, or someone else, and that's why we never come close to winning.

I would also like to have a new car for my husband. He drives a fair piece to work and back each day, and his 11-year-old car is starting to throw shoes too frequently for comfort, which impacts both his mental health and our fiscal health. At the moment, we can't afford to plunk down money for a brand-new vehicle so it would be nice to even win just enough money to buy him a decent car. How would having a reliable vehicle hurt anyone? Would he wind up picking the one lemon off the new-car tree, only to have its brakes fail, causing him to get into an accident that left him paralyzed for life? Again, I don't have a crystal ball that would show me all the possible futures of this scenario, so I can't really say if this wish is totally benign or not.

Despite my skepticism, I do find value in thinking positively. I'm not Christian and I don't believe in the process of prayer. To me, prayer smacks of getting into a cosmic drive-through lane and yelling an order into the clown's mouth - Ronald's mouth to God's ear, as it were. I'm a Witch, and the basis of magickal spell work is to focus your intention about a particular need and release it to the Powers that Be. I used to think that perhaps Someone was listening to my petitions but now, I'm not sure I believe that anymore. I will still imagine a particular deity when doing a spell because it helps my focus if I have a physical image to lock on, but I don't think the idea that there's a S/He out there paying attention rings true for me these days.

Perhaps the REAL magick of focused intention lies in the fact that it opens your mind and your consciousness to a multitude of possibilities - possibilities that you would be blind to if you had a negative attitude and/or closed mind.

When we're alert, we notice our surroundings. If I say to myself, "For my next car, I'd like to buy a green Subaru Forester," I can almost guarantee that I'll start seeing green Foresters everywhere. Did people run out and buy that particular vehicle because I had the thought? I highly doubt it. (If my thoughts possessed that much power, there would be scores of people bursting into flame.) It's because my mind was focused on this specific object; I became visually sensitive to it. Those green Foresters were always on the road, I just never noticed them because it hadn't been important in any way. Once they held an interest for me, my blinders came off and the cars lost their cloaking devices.

I don't totally discount the idea of "believe to achieve." I find a great deal of merit in writing down your desires because I think this process shapes and hones your thoughts into a razor-sharp image. Saying "I want a new job" is nebulous at best and creates a fuzzy picture that will dart in and out of your line of sight like puffs of wispy smoke. Saying "I want a new job that pays $18/hour, has flexible hours, allows me to have my own office, offers a pension plan and 401(k) and medical/dental insurance, is located less than 10 miles from home, and has opportunities for advancement" gives a solid picture of what you actually want and helps you zero in on finding it. Does this mean you'll actually locate a job like this? Maybe, maybe not. But I know you have a better chance of making it happen if you program your internal radar to pick up signals that may guide you to it.

When I wanted to find a mate, I kept a journal which was comprised of letters directed to him. In the journal, I described what I wanted in a mate - physical attributes were listed, although non-physical traits were more highly prized. In 2001, on the day after Thanksgiving, I told the Universe it had 18 months. I was ready for a mate, dammit, and I expected him to show up in my life within a year and a half.

He showed up in December 2001.

Did the Universe harken to my pleas? Or did stating my intentions so clearly simply flip a switch in my brain and prime my psyche to be ready and able to accept this gift of a mate, almost as though turning on an internal sign that read "Pay attention, stay open to possibilities, notice everything"?

I like to think that *I* deserve the credit for my successes, rather than being like those folks who stand up behind an award podium and give all the accolades to God/Deity. Is my stance selfish? I like to think that it's self-affirming. *I* changed myself and did the work in manifesting a desire - shouldn't I take some pride in that and give myself a pat on the back? Shouldn't that make me feel good about myself? I dislike it when people give God all the credit for the good things in their lives...but take full responsibility upon themselves when something bad happens. What's that about?

I still believe in magick and serendipity. I consult my divination cards (with good success). I think I have been "given" specific totem animals for a reason. I think magickally charged items (stones/candles/wands) possess a good measure of power. I know that my cat Tommy was a familiar - a magician's assistant, if you will. I find great peace in gazing at a full moon, an aspect of Goddess.

However, I'm starting to believe that magick comes from within, rather than from without.